The easiest way to be rude and insensitive is to assume and declare that you are the only one with such grave problems. It's in the one's hard times that our true compassion is tested.
I hope and wish that I get the strength to fight the selfishness in me to provide that compassion to my friends in my bad days. I hope being on the other side would remind of this lesson always.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
My escape
I always knew that there are things which people expect from me that I just could do nothing about. I did try to hide it and for a long time I had been quite successful as well. May be it was the enormous confidence that my surroundings had given to me that even if I had to be rough and dictatorial, I did it. I used to think that I can always be like that, straightforward and assertive.
But there are always things that would put you in place. I found that out and could see how limited my strength is and it hurts specially when it is the one thing which is the nearest to you. My answer...a lousy escape. I can't give any reason for it. It's shameful. It's so shameful that I can't even reach out to ask for support. I am not on a lookout for strength. May be a part of it is because I know I can't get that support. Even the sharing of my situation has led me to be shunned. What could they do? May be I was wrong even to reach out because how could I expect an answer that I haven't been strong enough to search through my actions.
I think I have to dig deeper into this loop of self-guilt till I am disgusted with myself or till God decides to solve it. I know I wouldn't again trouble anyone of what is completely my shame. I hope I find strength to do that atleast
But there are always things that would put you in place. I found that out and could see how limited my strength is and it hurts specially when it is the one thing which is the nearest to you. My answer...a lousy escape. I can't give any reason for it. It's shameful. It's so shameful that I can't even reach out to ask for support. I am not on a lookout for strength. May be a part of it is because I know I can't get that support. Even the sharing of my situation has led me to be shunned. What could they do? May be I was wrong even to reach out because how could I expect an answer that I haven't been strong enough to search through my actions.
I think I have to dig deeper into this loop of self-guilt till I am disgusted with myself or till God decides to solve it. I know I wouldn't again trouble anyone of what is completely my shame. I hope I find strength to do that atleast
Friday, January 15, 2010
Stupid stupid stupid
Here's thanking all my friends who have advised me along these years and whose advice I can only proudly put as the title of this blog. I know there many categories of people. All with a different mind set, opinions about morality, lifestyle, aims and ambitions. Actually most of them have quite different opinions about me as a friend and as an individual . In spite of all that I find such a resemblance in all the advice I have ever received. And it's not the opinions about how I am an emotional fool or that I speak too much, because i already know and accept that completely. It's about how I think this world would turn out for me and how I accept to wait for that hope....just existing ...waiting...not living but not giving up either for that personal utopia to arrive.
And I know how they are right to say what they do from what they hear. I am also sure that what they know is also quite honest a truth. I am not quite sure that I could ever express why I exist this way....in spite of my infamous trait of articulating and 'speaking too much'.
I do feel sorry that I am not able to live up to their advice while knowing that all their words are only directed at my well being.
I know that their will be a time when I would have to stop existing in my dream...when I would have to decide...quite decisively. Yes I can't see myself with that courage now nor do I have the heart to ever wake up from my dream. It's the only dream that I have wanted to live for. How can I?
So let me ask for forgiveness from my friends for being so. I hope they realize that my surrender for my dream is all I have and that if I found any other way, I would have listened to them.
And most of all, please let my fate not put any remorse/ failure at your end. Because no matter what you have been the reason of all those moments of life in my existence.
Thank you
And I know how they are right to say what they do from what they hear. I am also sure that what they know is also quite honest a truth. I am not quite sure that I could ever express why I exist this way....in spite of my infamous trait of articulating and 'speaking too much'.
I do feel sorry that I am not able to live up to their advice while knowing that all their words are only directed at my well being.
I know that their will be a time when I would have to stop existing in my dream...when I would have to decide...quite decisively. Yes I can't see myself with that courage now nor do I have the heart to ever wake up from my dream. It's the only dream that I have wanted to live for. How can I?
So let me ask for forgiveness from my friends for being so. I hope they realize that my surrender for my dream is all I have and that if I found any other way, I would have listened to them.
And most of all, please let my fate not put any remorse/ failure at your end. Because no matter what you have been the reason of all those moments of life in my existence.
Thank you
Monday, June 9, 2008
Motivation of addiction
'Curiosity' 'Experimentation' 'Pleasure' 'Slow erosion of pleasure' 'Depression' 'Urge' 'Vulnerability' 'Stronger Urge' 'Sudden height of desperation' '#$%^&*&^' 'Pleasure' 'Slow erosion of pleasure'............
It is quite obvious isn't it. Any rational man would not understand it. The only thing is that understanding isn't enough for prevention and it is surely not the cure. This vicious cycle relates to each and every addiction of all humans. A naughty kid who just can't help but being naughty finds out something stupid to do. HE experiments with it, gets an adrenalin rush by doing it. Keeps on doing it until he gets hurt or something. The enormous lecturing and punishment plus the pain from the injury makes the kid sick to his heart. he doesn't want to be a naughty kid who just gets into trouble and is the worry of the family. But the urge will be back with another stupid thing.
The example may have been really really childish, but it does prove a point that even the smallest addictions and habits follow the same pattern of pleasure, depression and vulnerability.
The interesting thing (at least for me :-) ) though is this. There is a thin line between a good and a bad habit, or to say between liking and addiction. How do we decide that whether your liking for something is the positive kind. The kind that empowers you, makes you feel happy and accomplished. Versus the kind that just enslaves you and sends you into a spiral of steady decay. It is really a very thing line and the power to judge which side you are is really an impossible task. So it seems to me now.
Coming up with another 'not so good' example. A mother who adores her kid more than her own life, sees through all the mistakes of the child. That unparalleled love for her child is quite an addiction. She pampers her child, gives them freedom and resources, only to be hurt by the misuse of the freedom and resources. She blames herself, scolds her child. Although the resentment of her child is so unbearable to her that she urges to see the same delight back in him. She trusts him again in that sudden moment of desperation, only to be ditched again. The most true form of love and care can be nothing else but addiction. An emotional addiction that can rip you apart because of the vicious nature of it.
I have found out that there a reverse approach to this entire thing. which means that for every thing in your life if the symptoms match to a vicious circle and if the states in that vicious circle match to pleasure, depression and desperation; then it is highly likely that whatever that thing is, it's basically an addiction. I still don't know if this is a good test for judging positive kind versus self-decay kind of liking. May be that even the best an most positive kinds of likings have a phase of addiction. May be the cure is moderation, or may be there is no cure. Or may be the cure is leaving that liking altogether, just like drug rehab. I don't know if I am calm enough to decide that. May be I am too high on my addiction now
It is quite obvious isn't it. Any rational man would not understand it. The only thing is that understanding isn't enough for prevention and it is surely not the cure. This vicious cycle relates to each and every addiction of all humans. A naughty kid who just can't help but being naughty finds out something stupid to do. HE experiments with it, gets an adrenalin rush by doing it. Keeps on doing it until he gets hurt or something. The enormous lecturing and punishment plus the pain from the injury makes the kid sick to his heart. he doesn't want to be a naughty kid who just gets into trouble and is the worry of the family. But the urge will be back with another stupid thing.
The example may have been really really childish, but it does prove a point that even the smallest addictions and habits follow the same pattern of pleasure, depression and vulnerability.
The interesting thing (at least for me :-) ) though is this. There is a thin line between a good and a bad habit, or to say between liking and addiction. How do we decide that whether your liking for something is the positive kind. The kind that empowers you, makes you feel happy and accomplished. Versus the kind that just enslaves you and sends you into a spiral of steady decay. It is really a very thing line and the power to judge which side you are is really an impossible task. So it seems to me now.
Coming up with another 'not so good' example. A mother who adores her kid more than her own life, sees through all the mistakes of the child. That unparalleled love for her child is quite an addiction. She pampers her child, gives them freedom and resources, only to be hurt by the misuse of the freedom and resources. She blames herself, scolds her child. Although the resentment of her child is so unbearable to her that she urges to see the same delight back in him. She trusts him again in that sudden moment of desperation, only to be ditched again. The most true form of love and care can be nothing else but addiction. An emotional addiction that can rip you apart because of the vicious nature of it.
I have found out that there a reverse approach to this entire thing. which means that for every thing in your life if the symptoms match to a vicious circle and if the states in that vicious circle match to pleasure, depression and desperation; then it is highly likely that whatever that thing is, it's basically an addiction. I still don't know if this is a good test for judging positive kind versus self-decay kind of liking. May be that even the best an most positive kinds of likings have a phase of addiction. May be the cure is moderation, or may be there is no cure. Or may be the cure is leaving that liking altogether, just like drug rehab. I don't know if I am calm enough to decide that. May be I am too high on my addiction now
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Of shame and respect
In more ways than not, I guess that anybody's life can be measured in these two very common parameters: shame and respect. And to a person like me, I would rate that measurement even more if that feeling is from inside about yourself. There is no shame comparable to the shame you feel for yourself. Everyone would agree that no man can stand in front of anyone if he can not stand before his own eyes. Even the best have found it difficult to cope up with it. Respect for your own identity is the natural negative counterpart of shame. If you respect yourself, you can stand strong, with or without people backing you.
These most critical self evaluations of shame and respect are really a great challenge. Having a whole baggage of thoughts in my mind, I have really tried to find how i score. Once one starts thinking about all the various aspect of his/her life, i think it wouldn't be difficult to relate them to these basic parameters. Most of one's actions result in generation of these feelings. You would feel proud or ashamed of your actions, words, efforts, achievements, failures, relationships. Its not difficult to relate. What is difficult though is to measure. I mean whenever you chose any actions lets say. Are you more proud of it for the success it brought or ashamed at the price that you paid for it. One would surely go one way and then the other at different points of time when reflecting on that.
I have discovered through this 'self evaluation', that almost all my acts that have made me feel a respect for myself are related to some aspect in that very act, that makes me feel ashamed. Its never ever a pure act that could be put in one category. I would want to give an example.
I have been very proud of myself for my honesty with my best friends. I would think that I must respect that about me. I feel that everybody should respects honesty. Everyone respects honesty and even that respect adds on to my own respect for myself. But on the most crucial occasions, I have found that my straight and honest words have ended up hurting people i really care for. i always think of myself as a person who lives for the love of the one i chose to love. and if that's my priority, then this honesty has been brought more shame than respect for myself. I can't express how desperate I feel to let everyone know that I am clueless in making this decision of what way to chose. To let people know about how good or bad I feel about them. I don't know if lying to them to make them happy is the best way or being honest is. there seems to be quite a lot of shame and respect in each of the options. But more often than not, the option that I chose seems to be the one loaded with shame and guilt. I feel like failure because all those things that I am sure are my life's priorities, i have failed in them more miserably than any other thing in my life. The very people that I care the most about, I have ended up hurting them the most.
In the end I think that however hard i try to correct myself, i wouldn't end up on the respect side of my evaluation. The shame may go away but I am not sure if the respect shall ever come back
These most critical self evaluations of shame and respect are really a great challenge. Having a whole baggage of thoughts in my mind, I have really tried to find how i score. Once one starts thinking about all the various aspect of his/her life, i think it wouldn't be difficult to relate them to these basic parameters. Most of one's actions result in generation of these feelings. You would feel proud or ashamed of your actions, words, efforts, achievements, failures, relationships. Its not difficult to relate. What is difficult though is to measure. I mean whenever you chose any actions lets say. Are you more proud of it for the success it brought or ashamed at the price that you paid for it. One would surely go one way and then the other at different points of time when reflecting on that.
I have discovered through this 'self evaluation', that almost all my acts that have made me feel a respect for myself are related to some aspect in that very act, that makes me feel ashamed. Its never ever a pure act that could be put in one category. I would want to give an example.
I have been very proud of myself for my honesty with my best friends. I would think that I must respect that about me. I feel that everybody should respects honesty. Everyone respects honesty and even that respect adds on to my own respect for myself. But on the most crucial occasions, I have found that my straight and honest words have ended up hurting people i really care for. i always think of myself as a person who lives for the love of the one i chose to love. and if that's my priority, then this honesty has been brought more shame than respect for myself. I can't express how desperate I feel to let everyone know that I am clueless in making this decision of what way to chose. To let people know about how good or bad I feel about them. I don't know if lying to them to make them happy is the best way or being honest is. there seems to be quite a lot of shame and respect in each of the options. But more often than not, the option that I chose seems to be the one loaded with shame and guilt. I feel like failure because all those things that I am sure are my life's priorities, i have failed in them more miserably than any other thing in my life. The very people that I care the most about, I have ended up hurting them the most.
In the end I think that however hard i try to correct myself, i wouldn't end up on the respect side of my evaluation. The shame may go away but I am not sure if the respect shall ever come back
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
SMS to my only friend
Can't sleep. Not because I am afraid of what happened 2 days back. But because of random thoughts like always. Thoughts that torture me, make fun of me, remind me of my deepest fears. I wish I could forget. I wish I could forgive. But I have not been able to. I am only punishing myself. But I think i would have deserved it. God isn't unfair. one needs to pay for every mistake. I wish my punishment ends soon, with a new life of happiness or untimely death. I don't care.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wahan Kaun hai tera
Wahan kaun hai tera
Beet gaye din, pyaar ke palchhin
sapna bani woh raaten
bhuul gaye woh, tu bhi bhula de
pyaar ki woh mulaaqaaten
sab door andhera
musaafir jaayegaa kahaan
koi bhi teri, raaha naa dekhe
nain bichhaaye naa koi
dard se tere, koi naa tadpa
aankh kisi ki naa royi,
kahe kisko tu meraa
musaafir jaayegaa kahaan
Beet gaye din, pyaar ke palchhin
sapna bani woh raaten
bhuul gaye woh, tu bhi bhula de
pyaar ki woh mulaaqaaten
sab door andhera
musaafir jaayegaa kahaan
koi bhi teri, raaha naa dekhe
nain bichhaaye naa koi
dard se tere, koi naa tadpa
aankh kisi ki naa royi,
kahe kisko tu meraa
musaafir jaayegaa kahaan
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