Motivation of addiction

'Curiosity' 'Experimentation' 'Pleasure' 'Slow erosion of pleasure' 'Depression' 'Urge' 'Vulnerability' 'Stronger Urge' 'Sudden height of desperation' '#$%^&*&^' 'Pleasure' 'Slow erosion of pleasure'............

It is quite obvious isn't it. Any rational man would not understand it. The only thing is that understanding isn't enough for prevention and it is surely not the cure. This vicious cycle relates to each and every addiction of all humans. A naughty kid who just can't help but being naughty finds out something stupid to do. HE experiments with it, gets an adrenalin rush by doing it. Keeps on doing it until he gets hurt or something. The enormous lecturing and punishment plus the pain from the injury makes the kid sick to his heart. he doesn't want to be a naughty kid who just gets into trouble and is the worry of the family. But the urge will be back with another stupid thing.
The example may have been really really childish, but it does prove a point that even the smallest addictions and habits follow the same pattern of pleasure, depression and vulnerability.
The interesting thing (at least for me :-) ) though is this. There is a thin line between a good and a bad habit, or to say between liking and addiction. How do we decide that whether your liking for something is the positive kind. The kind that empowers you, makes you feel happy and accomplished. Versus the kind that just enslaves you and sends you into a spiral of steady decay. It is really a very thing line and the power to judge which side you are is really an impossible task. So it seems to me now.
Coming up with another 'not so good' example. A mother who adores her kid more than her own life, sees through all the mistakes of the child. That unparalleled love for her child is quite an addiction. She pampers her child, gives them freedom and resources, only to be hurt by the misuse of the freedom and resources. She blames herself, scolds her child. Although the resentment of her child is so unbearable to her that she urges to see the same delight back in him. She trusts him again in that sudden moment of desperation, only to be ditched again. The most true form of love and care can be nothing else but addiction. An emotional addiction that can rip you apart because of the vicious nature of it.
I have found out that there a reverse approach to this entire thing. which means that for every thing in your life if the symptoms match to a vicious circle and if the states in that vicious circle match to pleasure, depression and desperation; then it is highly likely that whatever that thing is, it's basically an addiction. I still don't know if this is a good test for judging positive kind versus self-decay kind of liking. May be that even the best an most positive kinds of likings have a phase of addiction. May be the cure is moderation, or may be there is no cure. Or may be the cure is leaving that liking altogether, just like drug rehab. I don't know if I am calm enough to decide that. May be I am too high on my addiction now

Of shame and respect

In more ways than not, I guess that anybody's life can be measured in these two very common parameters: shame and respect. And to a person like me, I would rate that measurement even more if that feeling is from inside about yourself. There is no shame comparable to the shame you feel for yourself. Everyone would agree that no man can stand in front of anyone if he can not stand before his own eyes. Even the best have found it difficult to cope up with it. Respect for your own identity is the natural negative counterpart of shame. If you respect yourself, you can stand strong, with or without people backing you.

These most critical self evaluations of shame and respect are really a great challenge. Having a whole baggage of thoughts in my mind, I have really tried to find how i score. Once one starts thinking about all the various aspect of his/her life, i think it wouldn't be difficult to relate them to these basic parameters. Most of one's actions result in generation of these feelings. You would feel proud or ashamed of your actions, words, efforts, achievements, failures, relationships. Its not difficult to relate. What is difficult though is to measure. I mean whenever you chose any actions lets say. Are you more proud of it for the success it brought or ashamed at the price that you paid for it. One would surely go one way and then the other at different points of time when reflecting on that.

I have discovered through this 'self evaluation', that almost all my acts that have made me feel a respect for myself are related to some aspect in that very act, that makes me feel ashamed. Its never ever a pure act that could be put in one category. I would want to give an example.
I have been very proud of myself for my honesty with my best friends. I would think that I must respect that about me. I feel that everybody should respects honesty. Everyone respects honesty and even that respect adds on to my own respect for myself. But on the most crucial occasions, I have found that my straight and honest words have ended up hurting people i really care for. i always think of myself as a person who lives for the love of the one i chose to love. and if that's my priority, then this honesty has been brought more shame than respect for myself. I can't express how desperate I feel to let everyone know that I am clueless in making this decision of what way to chose. To let people know about how good or bad I feel about them. I don't know if lying to them to make them happy is the best way or being honest is. there seems to be quite a lot of shame and respect in each of the options. But more often than not, the option that I chose seems to be the one loaded with shame and guilt. I feel like failure because all those things that I am sure are my life's priorities, i have failed in them more miserably than any other thing in my life. The very people that I care the most about, I have ended up hurting them the most.
In the end I think that however hard i try to correct myself, i wouldn't end up on the respect side of my evaluation. The shame may go away but I am not sure if the respect shall ever come back

SMS to my only friend

Can't sleep. Not because I am afraid of what happened 2 days back. But because of random thoughts like always. Thoughts that torture me, make fun of me, remind me of my deepest fears. I wish I could forget. I wish I could forgive. But I have not been able to. I am only punishing myself. But I think i would have deserved it. God isn't unfair. one needs to pay for every mistake. I wish my punishment ends soon, with a new life of happiness or untimely death. I don't care.

Wahan Kaun hai tera

Wahan kaun hai tera

Beet gaye din, pyaar ke palchhin
sapna bani woh raaten
bhuul gaye woh, tu bhi bhula de
pyaar ki woh mulaaqaaten
sab door andhera

musaafir jaayegaa kahaan

koi bhi teri, raaha naa dekhe
nain bichhaaye naa koi
dard se tere, koi naa tadpa
aankh kisi ki naa royi,
kahe kisko tu meraa

musaafir jaayegaa kahaan

Wrong assumptions

The biggest problems in life come from wrong assumptions. And the greatest assumptions that one makes is about oneself. The fact is that how you think you are is very very deeply embedded in you and those assumptions are too difficult to change.
I assumed that I was a good person.
I assumed that I never wanted to hurt someone.
I assumed that I was an unselfish person.
I assumed that I have never made a person cry.
I assumed that I deserve respect of many people for my work.
I assumed that there are people who think the same way as I think about myself.
I assumed that I am not shallow.
I assumed that I can change for my friends and family.
I assumed that I have sacrificed for people I love and that they like me for it.
I assumed that I am improving.

I am sorry that each day breaks one of the above assumptions and it does hurt the soul inside which wants to be good. All of these assumptions are like targets that I am sure now that I can not reach. There's just one constant thing that would accompany in this target chase, and thats the 'self doubt' making the chase impossible.

I know there would be none of you that would agree that all my assumptions is actually correct. Please don't flatter me. Please don't fight it. Because I already trust that you are better than I could ever think about myself. I hope I remind this to myself always.
Thanks a lot......

Pain (continued)

I quite clearly remember the last time i used this title for a blog, I was more worried than anything. But somehow my experience has increased and from worry I have moved on to acceptance of this pain as a part of my a bad day. Something that i would never get rid of. To be very frank, I do think that I would always want the ability to feel such pain which is not the same thing is wanting to feel the pain. But i do need that assurance that there are still things in my life that effect me so much.
The relation between the pain and pleasure is more or less direct. Pain comes from always the same sources as pleasure. So if i make myself immune from pain, i am making myself immune of the greatest pleasures in my life as well. And i would risk getting hurt a million times for that one chance of true happiness. At least now I think so. I just wish in all my acts, if i cant bring happiness to other people's life, I would try really hard not to ever cause that pain

Change

There are some mistakes in life that I fear committing the most, but unfortunately they happen to be the mistakes that I am most likely to commit. I had always felt that if one has to censure one's thoughts, words, behavior, expressions...that would be nothing else but faking. But can it be labeled as change, sacrifice or betterment? May be or may be not.
This is precisely the question that I have been asking myself over and over again. I am quite sure of one thing, that i wouldn't have called most of my original actions as a mistake if it were not for the people around me. And I also accept that on more than one occasion, I have found out that when people point out such actions as 'mistakes', they have quite good reasons for feeling so. I accept the reason not because i understand it all the times, but because i trust the people and that they wouldn't fake a reason.
The chances of committing those mistakes are higher primarily because how often and how frequently can one switch from his thinking to the expectation of the person in front of him. This raises an even more important doubt, if i do want to be good or let's say fair in the way that i treat people, how should i act. Is it nice to become the reflection of that person itself, hence implying a tit for tat. Or should i become the reflection of the expectations the person lays in front of me. Or i should stay the way i think I am generally. I guess most times the decision is really spontaneous. And that decision isn't an absolute one. One switches back n forth with every action between the many roles. It is only when almost every act of your's are criticized by a critic whose integrity you can't or don't want to doubt, that you see yourself fall in the spiral of self-doubt all the time.
I guess self doubt is also a part of the change