My escape

I always knew that there are things which people expect from me that I just could do nothing about. I did try to hide it and for a long time I had been quite successful as well. May be it was the enormous confidence that my surroundings had given to me that even if I had to be rough and dictatorial, I did it. I used to think that I can always be like that, straightforward and assertive.
But there are always things that would put you in place. I found that out and could see how limited my strength is and it hurts specially when it is the one thing which is the nearest to you. My answer...a lousy escape. I can't give any reason for it. It's shameful. It's so shameful that I can't even reach out to ask for support. I am not on a lookout for strength. May be a part of it is because I know I can't get that support. Even the sharing of my situation has led me to be shunned. What could they do? May be I was wrong even to reach out because how could I expect an answer that I haven't been strong enough to search through my actions.
I think I have to dig deeper into this loop of self-guilt till I am disgusted with myself or till God decides to solve it. I know I wouldn't again trouble anyone of what is completely my shame. I hope I find strength to do that atleast