Only words to offer

Sympathy

2010-10-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

The easiest way to be rude and insensitive is to assume and declare that you are the only one with such grave problems. It's in the one's hard times that our true compassion is tested.
I hope and wish that I get the strength to fight the selfishness in me to provide that compassion to my friends in my bad days. I hope being on the other side would remind of this lesson always.

My escape

2010-04-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

I always knew that there are things which people expect from me that I just could do nothing about. I did try to hide it and for a long time I had been quite successful as well. May be it was the enormous confidence that my surroundings had given to me that even if I had to be rough and dictatorial, I did it. I used to think that I can always be like that, straightforward and assertive.
But there are always things that would put you in place. I found that out and could see how limited my strength is and it hurts specially when it is the one thing which is the nearest to you. My answer...a lousy escape. I can't give any reason for it. It's shameful. It's so shameful that I can't even reach out to ask for support. I am not on a lookout for strength. May be a part of it is because I know I can't get that support. Even the sharing of my situation has led me to be shunned. What could they do? May be I was wrong even to reach out because how could I expect an answer that I haven't been strong enough to search through my actions.
I think I have to dig deeper into this loop of self-guilt till I am disgusted with myself or till God decides to solve it. I know I wouldn't again trouble anyone of what is completely my shame. I hope I find strength to do that atleast

Stupid stupid stupid

2010-01-15T13:38:00.000-08:00

Here's thanking all my friends who have advised me along these years and whose advice I can only proudly put as the title of this blog. I know there many categories of people. All with a different mind set, opinions about morality, lifestyle, aims and ambitions. Actually most of them have quite different opinions about me as a friend and as an individual . In spite of all that I find such a resemblance in all the advice I have ever received. And it's not the opinions about how I am an emotional fool or that I speak too much, because i already know and accept that completely. It's about how I think this world would turn out for me and how I accept to wait for that hope....just existing ...waiting...not living but not giving up either for that personal utopia to arrive.
And I know how they are right to say what they do from what they hear. I am also sure that what they know is also quite honest a truth. I am not quite sure that I could ever express why I exist this way....in spite of my infamous trait of articulating and 'speaking too much'.
I do feel sorry that I am not able to live up to their advice while knowing that all their words are only directed at my well being.
I know that their will be a time when I would have to stop existing in my dream...when I would have to decide...quite decisively. Yes I can't see myself with that courage now nor do I have the heart to ever wake up from my dream. It's the only dream that I have wanted to live for. How can I?
So let me ask for forgiveness from my friends for being so. I hope they realize that my surrender for my dream is all I have and that if I found any other way, I would have listened to them.
And most of all, please let my fate not put any remorse/ failure at your end. Because no matter what you have been the reason of all those moments of life in my existence.
Thank you

Motivation of addiction

2008-06-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

'Curiosity' 'Experimentation' 'Pleasure' 'Slow erosion of pleasure' 'Depression' 'Urge' 'Vulnerability' 'Stronger Urge' 'Sudden height of desperation' '#$%^&*&^' 'Pleasure' 'Slow erosion of pleasure'............

It is quite obvious isn't it. Any rational man would not understand it. The only thing is that understanding isn't enough for prevention and it is surely not the cure. This vicious cycle relates to each and every addiction of all humans. A naughty kid who just can't help but being naughty finds out something stupid to do. HE experiments with it, gets an adrenalin rush by doing it. Keeps on doing it until he gets hurt or something. The enormous lecturing and punishment plus the pain from the injury makes the kid sick to his heart. he doesn't want to be a naughty kid who just gets into trouble and is the worry of the family. But the urge will be back with another stupid thing.
The example may have been really really childish, but it does prove a point that even the smallest addictions and habits follow the same pattern of pleasure, depression and vulnerability.
The interesting thing (at least for me :-) ) though is this. There is a thin line between a good and a bad habit, or to say between liking and addiction. How do we decide that whether your liking for something is the positive kind. The kind that empowers you, makes you feel happy and accomplished. Versus the kind that just enslaves you and sends you into a spiral of steady decay. It is really a very thing line and the power to judge which side you are is really an impossible task. So it seems to me now.
Coming up with another 'not so good' example. A mother who adores her kid more than her own life, sees through all the mistakes of the child. That unparalleled love for her child is quite an addiction. She pampers her child, gives them freedom and resources, only to be hurt by the misuse of the freedom and resources. She blames herself, scolds her child. Although the resentment of her child is so unbearable to her that she urges to see the same delight back in him. She trusts him again in that sudden moment of desperation, only to be ditched again. The most true form of love and care can be nothing else but addiction. An emotional addiction that can rip you apart because of the vicious nature of it.
I have found out that there a reverse approach to this entire thing. which means that for every thing in your life if the symptoms match to a vicious circle and if the states in that vicious circle match to pleasure, depression and desperation; then it is highly likely that whatever that thing is, it's basically an addiction. I still don't know if this is a good test for judging positive kind versus self-decay kind of liking. May be that even the best an most positive kinds of likings have a phase of addiction. May be the cure is moderation, or may be there is no cure. Or may be the cure is leaving that liking altogether, just like drug rehab. I don't know if I am calm enough to decide that. May be I am too high on my addiction now

Of shame and respect

2008-06-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

In more ways than not, I guess that anybody's life can be measured in these two very common parameters: shame and respect. And to a person like me, I would rate that measurement even more if that feeling is from inside about yourself. There is no shame comparable to the shame you feel for yourself. Everyone would agree that no man can stand in front of anyone if he can not stand before his own eyes. Even the best have found it difficult to cope up with it. Respect for your own identity is the natural negative counterpart of shame. If you respect yourself, you can stand strong, with or without people backing you.

These most critical self evaluations of shame and respect are really a great challenge. Having a whole baggage of thoughts in my mind, I have really tried to find how i score. Once one starts thinking about all the various aspect of his/her life, i think it wouldn't be difficult to relate them to these basic parameters. Most of one's actions result in generation of these feelings. You would feel proud or ashamed of your actions, words, efforts, achievements, failures, relationships. Its not difficult to relate. What is difficult though is to measure. I mean whenever you chose any actions lets say. Are you more proud of it for the success it brought or ashamed at the price that you paid for it. One would surely go one way and then the other at different points of time when reflecting on that.

I have discovered through this 'self evaluation', that almost all my acts that have made me feel a respect for myself are related to some aspect in that very act, that makes me feel ashamed. Its never ever a pure act that could be put in one category. I would want to give an example.
I have been very proud of myself for my honesty with my best friends. I would think that I must respect that about me. I feel that everybody should respects honesty. Everyone respects honesty and even that respect adds on to my own respect for myself. But on the most crucial occasions, I have found that my straight and honest words have ended up hurting people i really care for. i always think of myself as a person who lives for the love of the one i chose to love. and if that's my priority, then this honesty has been brought more shame than respect for myself. I can't express how desperate I feel to let everyone know that I am clueless in making this decision of what way to chose. To let people know about how good or bad I feel about them. I don't know if lying to them to make them happy is the best way or being honest is. there seems to be quite a lot of shame and respect in each of the options. But more often than not, the option that I chose seems to be the one loaded with shame and guilt. I feel like failure because all those things that I am sure are my life's priorities, i have failed in them more miserably than any other thing in my life. The very people that I care the most about, I have ended up hurting them the most.
In the end I think that however hard i try to correct myself, i wouldn't end up on the respect side of my evaluation. The shame may go away but I am not sure if the respect shall ever come back

SMS to my only friend

2008-05-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep. Not because I am afraid of what happened 2 days back. But because of random thoughts like always. Thoughts that torture me, make fun of me, remind me of my deepest fears. I wish I could forget. I wish I could forgive. But I have not been able to. I am only punishing myself. But I think i would have deserved it. God isn't unfair. one needs to pay for every mistake. I wish my punishment ends soon, with a new life of happiness or untimely death. I don't care.

Wahan Kaun hai tera

2008-05-26T14:57:00.001-07:00

Wahan kaun hai tera

Beet gaye din, pyaar ke palchhin
sapna bani woh raaten
bhuul gaye woh, tu bhi bhula de
pyaar ki woh mulaaqaaten
sab door andhera

musaafir jaayegaa kahaan

koi bhi teri, raaha naa dekhe
nain bichhaaye naa koi
dard se tere, koi naa tadpa
aankh kisi ki naa royi,
kahe kisko tu meraa

musaafir jaayegaa kahaan

Wrong assumptions

2008-05-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

The biggest problems in life come from wrong assumptions. And the greatest assumptions that one makes is about oneself. The fact is that how you think you are is very very deeply embedded in you and those assumptions are too difficult to change.
I assumed that I was a good person.
I assumed that I never wanted to hurt someone.
I assumed that I was an unselfish person.
I assumed that I have never made a person cry.
I assumed that I deserve respect of many people for my work.
I assumed that there are people who think the same way as I think about myself.
I assumed that I am not shallow.
I assumed that I can change for my friends and family.
I assumed that I have sacrificed for people I love and that they like me for it.
I assumed that I am improving.

I am sorry that each day breaks one of the above assumptions and it does hurt the soul inside which wants to be good. All of these assumptions are like targets that I am sure now that I can not reach. There's just one constant thing that would accompany in this target chase, and thats the 'self doubt' making the chase impossible.

I know there would be none of you that would agree that all my assumptions is actually correct. Please don't flatter me. Please don't fight it. Because I already trust that you are better than I could ever think about myself. I hope I remind this to myself always.
Thanks a lot......

Pain (continued)

2008-04-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

I quite clearly remember the last time i used this title for a blog, I was more worried than anything. But somehow my experience has increased and from worry I have moved on to acceptance of this pain as a part of my a bad day. Something that i would never get rid of. To be very frank, I do think that I would always want the ability to feel such pain which is not the same thing is wanting to feel the pain. But i do need that assurance that there are still things in my life that effect me so much.
The relation between the pain and pleasure is more or less direct. Pain comes from always the same sources as pleasure. So if i make myself immune from pain, i am making myself immune of the greatest pleasures in my life as well. And i would risk getting hurt a million times for that one chance of true happiness. At least now I think so. I just wish in all my acts, if i cant bring happiness to other people's life, I would try really hard not to ever cause that pain

Change

2008-04-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

There are some mistakes in life that I fear committing the most, but unfortunately they happen to be the mistakes that I am most likely to commit. I had always felt that if one has to censure one's thoughts, words, behavior, expressions...that would be nothing else but faking. But can it be labeled as change, sacrifice or betterment? May be or may be not.
This is precisely the question that I have been asking myself over and over again. I am quite sure of one thing, that i wouldn't have called most of my original actions as a mistake if it were not for the people around me. And I also accept that on more than one occasion, I have found out that when people point out such actions as 'mistakes', they have quite good reasons for feeling so. I accept the reason not because i understand it all the times, but because i trust the people and that they wouldn't fake a reason.
The chances of committing those mistakes are higher primarily because how often and how frequently can one switch from his thinking to the expectation of the person in front of him. This raises an even more important doubt, if i do want to be good or let's say fair in the way that i treat people, how should i act. Is it nice to become the reflection of that person itself, hence implying a tit for tat. Or should i become the reflection of the expectations the person lays in front of me. Or i should stay the way i think I am generally. I guess most times the decision is really spontaneous. And that decision isn't an absolute one. One switches back n forth with every action between the many roles. It is only when almost every act of your's are criticized by a critic whose integrity you can't or don't want to doubt, that you see yourself fall in the spiral of self-doubt all the time.
I guess self doubt is also a part of the change

For what its worth

2007-09-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

I know that life can never be what it was a second ago. It can be similar , but never the same. Feeling once felt, pleasures once had are all just imprints on one's hearts. One tries to erase the bad imprints that were caused by actions that can not be undone, words that can't go back and situations that scar your heart forever. One may try to hide it and one can surely do a good job. But its just hiding, not erasing. All this makes those special moments even much more valuable than they seem to be. The fact that you are not going to retain it, it's surely going to change. The same reason should apply to why people should not feel too low when down because it's surely going to change.

It fears me, to the extent of breaking me many times over that I can not try to hide a portion of my scars. One tries to fool himself , tries real hard, and it does work because there's no way that a logical heart would ever live for more than second. If for ever I try being logical, there is absolutely no way that one would put one's life on for some permanent bliss to arrive someday. But you convince yourself that there is just one little tiny portion of your existence that you would secure one day and it would stay as good as ever even if the rest of your existence changes upside down. The only logic in this wait for bliss is ....."It needs to happen just once".

And for what it's worth I will always be there waiting :)

The insecure self

2007-09-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

There is no lie more clear than not accepting being insecure. The fact remains very clear that when God decided to give man courage, he gave him that only to cover up his enormous fears; he gave him clarity of thought and logic, but only to cover up for his emotional blindness and fantastical whims. Although in some cases ( only some) is a person not consciously aware of what are the things that he/she feels insecure about at that point in his/her life. On most other cases the nonacceptance of insecurity is mostly either a blatant lie or a defence mechanism or a vigorous attempt to keep one's mind being plunged into his deepest fears. All of these methods are used by every human and are ought to be accepted by every other considerate human being.
So according to yours truly, the existence of insecurity is not a problem at all that needs to be addressed. But then why is there a negative connotation that is always attached to this universal feeling. Well the reason is again one of the most common reasons ever known to man: "mediation". Whenever any human trait, characteristic, folly or evil instinct is controlled and mediated by the rest of the human traits, there is no problem. The problem comes when only if the insecurity encroaches into spheres that it shouldn't. One of those areas that really should be kept safe from most insecurities is 'trust' in the people you truly love. One can be insecure about his lack of talents, his habits or lack of confidence. But what can truly hurt a man's life beyond any comparable limit, is the insecurity in trusting people that make your existence.

Talking about the insecurity areas of your's truly ( Since I do not fear talking about them, just feel insecure about them). Well the greatest fear that I have in my life right now is not knowing my next step. If one's life has never been too unpredictable, then its quite natural to assume to become into a person who knows his ways around this world based on his preconceived answers to most of life's problems. i think today more than ever I feel that i really am very close to losing that vision for my life. I knew what things I wanted, the people that make my life worth living, the feelings that i seek more desperately than others, the things that are indispensable over all the rest. I knew all those till now. And even when i had new situations, they were easy in the way that one could apply some other preconceived answer to this new situation. But it seems that when one of your most defining attributes is shaken, one ought to feel that fear of "I don't know if life's ever going to be that figured out again"

My surrender

2007-08-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

Life finds terrible ways at getting back to you. For every thing that you have had, that you have enjoyed, that you have wanted, it gives you an even bigger disease. Its nothing else but the surrender to those very things, the desperation of being without it. The more you want something, the more you enjoy something , the pleasure always is exceeded by the pain of losing it. And even if you don't lose it, the mere dependence, the addiction, the urge enslaves to a much greater extent than you had ever imagined. There is no way that great pleasure can be had without this fear, this enslavement and this vulnerability.
Everybody has different way to tackle to this paradox of enjoying something and living with the guilt of being slaves. Some use the classic method: defense mechanism..... " I can leave it anytime"..but you very well know that if you are OK with losing it, you never really wanted it in the first place. Pleasure lies in the indispensable attribute of the object... you know you cant live without it.
Others attach their enslavement to physical objects or things they think they would not lose possession of. Rather sad but true that physical objects, hallucinations and dreams seem to be a safer option to attach your most deepest emotions than humans. They cant sense your pathetic condition. They don't play mind games, nor do they exploit. They are predictable, you know when you can have them and when you can not. Although safety does come with a cost. Objects don't respond.

But the most amazing aspect of the situation is why this GUILT ? Its not a new revelation. Your sacrifices, your addiction, your need and your possession, you knew this all the way. You still are nowhere close to even thinking about quitting nor will you ever because it's the best thing that happened to you. You convince yourself that everything comes at a price. But why this guilt which is directed to "self". This is the same "self" that wants you to be selfish. For some this self constitutes of self ego, self respect, feeling of supremacy of self over everything else. Their seems to be this battle between the self and your need for vulnerability. The self wants you to be answerable to no object, nothing commanding you.

Its been ages it seems that my "self" has lost the battle and surrendered.
But the guilt remains........... if only my surrender was acknowledged

Not that kind of year

2007-07-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

Its been 4 long years now. I guess it was 27th July 2003 when I came into this place. The greatest thought that crosses my mind while writing this is the huge change that I have seen in myself through this long era. I guess, the biggest part of me ( as i am today) comes from these last few years and thats what is so amazing. I am so different from that day.
Now through these 4 years things have happened to me in every way that could have been. I have had the greatest achievements of my life. I have been emotionally tormented. I have felt that i couldn't have more no. of friends. I have had more than my share of respect and more than my share of broken trust. I have had times when I have thought " I can't be more productive than this ever". And then times like now.. when the most active part of my day is when i move my fingers to throw the cards while playing cards ( standard " vriddhashram " game developed by the unfortunate "dullas").
All that thought of the past 4 years, makes me feel just one thing ... "Its been long... i want to leave". Its been so long and I expect nothing more. rather I don't think that things could get more better than this or that my experiences are going to be any better than what i have already have at my place. The summers have been more than a preview of what is to come this year. Well more than the lack of things to do, its the feeling of absolute restless with life.

Unconditional .... bah humbug

2007-07-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

We must have heard the phrase " unconditional love" many times over being used in contexts like true love is always unconditional. Now the reason that I don't really believe in the statement that there aren't conditions attached to love, is primarily because of the excessive usage of this phrase "unconditional love" as an umbrella to hide against the true responsibilities that come with love. Yes for me love or any other relationship always carries a baggage with it. And greater is the pleasure or feeling of satisfaction, greater are the stakes.
Do parents love their children unconditionally? Lets say a kid who has gone bad with his own life. The guarantee letter that the love of his/her parents isn't going to be a touch hindered by his actions that are ruining his own life, is somehow an encouragement (passive but surely an encouragement) for him to sacrifice his life to his craziness.
For me the power of love lies in the fact that to achieve it one is ready to change himself ... to bring out the best person hidden inside him and to be happy to sacrifice. One explores how wonderful love can make life even with the baggage... because the pain doesn't even compare to the pleasure. That power of love hence is drwan from something every opposite to the concept of "unconditional love".
For me the thin line that can be drawn for what expectation or condition is fair and what is not is not lies in the selflessness of the condition. A father who expects his kid to throw his bad habits puts this condition primarily for selfless feeling for his child. A wife who expects her husband to be loyal to her expects this for the sanctity and strength of the relationship, something which should be of equal importance to both.
I really hope that this trend of hiding in the name of "unconditional love" doesn't get me one day because it is easy to be mean and lazy to change yourself but the essence and power of the true state would never ever be close to me.

For all the movies that i have loved

2007-07-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Its time for me to remind myself of all the movies that i have loved. I would first in all truth and wisdom express my deepest gratitude to something divine: "DC++ and IITD LAN". They have been the single most important source of inspiration, guidance, console and to me GOD only comes 2nd to it.
Now this exercise of reminding myself of all the movies that i have loved watching comes from the need to know myself. I really hope that i could recognize something more than just taste.
Anyways lets begin ( not particularly in order of their ranking according to me)
1.) Forrest Gump - For its amazing life adventure filled with the essence that true love touches everyone
2.) Life is Beautiful - For the total innocence and love that exists and grows in adversity.
3.) Children of Heaven - never ever has such innocence of a true small low class family been depicted. Although based in IRAN the movie shows the universal nature of the deepest feelings that are present in a small family's life.
4.) 2 aankhen barah haath - Now this movie was by far the first movie that impressed me so much. A true "class apart" movie that is show rich in expressions. Will be a true inspiration in terms of trusting the human soul which can never be "inherently evil" as is considered by every modern social theory.
5.) Grave of the fireflies - Yes the movie is sad but a drunken night with friends in Bangalore can make you like this one too much. Tragedy and kids ( too sob.. sob for me).. but liked it surely a lot
6.) The Gods must be Crazy - "Masterpiece" Really really makes you wonder just what it claims .... the gods must be crazy .......
7.) Lord of the rings - Well i m only human. How can i not like this.... it would only be blasphemous ..... I really wonder how such an epic can ever be produced on screen with justice being done to the parent scripture( i prefer this word for the "book").
8.) Matrubhumi - God let my country not becoming this. Never ever seen more courageous concept being brought to an Indian cinema.

I am not really sure if I should end the list here but I fear losing the "class" of the list if I allow myself to add names here too soon.
As far as the earlier expressed aims for doing this exercise of reminding the movies that i have loved...well well dont know really if that is achieved or not :-) no problems anyways

Pain

2007-07-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

I really really want the opinion of some people on this issue. I somehow want the reassurance that it's just not me only.
The condition that i am talking of is physical pain caused from......... lets say emotional reasons. And i really don mean the feeling to cry or vulnerability or anything like that ( off course they can be there too), I mean real physical pain. It somehow exists for a second or so with the jolt of blood from your heart. Can be compared to the adrenalin rush you feel when one gets a shock or some adventure... the similar kind of jolt but the feeling is quite different. You are feeling perfectly OK , psychically and somehow when you are too much into your own mind not even caring about the rest of your body ( so deeply in thought i mean), that suddenly this sad thought which you have over thought by now brings this sudden terrible pain.
Just help me out here people.... is it normal thing or do i need a doctor ;)

Lets talk

2007-07-12T02:26:00.000-07:00

people please don't read this. No use at all. I promise

Well this relates to the infinite no. of discussions that i had with my "textual type" friend. ( discussion according to me & debate according to my friend). I guess to understand the situation a little better you will have to know a little more about the "textual" species.
It is very natural that the ease with which people express themselves varies with people, surrounding and medium of communication. For some people words never seem to either come out right or come out at all when in front of a person. There exists a sub category among those people who think that they converse fluently and with much greater levels of honesty when they pen down things. The "textual" species also feels that such level of honesty and fluency can not even be found even if you have the most trustworthy company until and unless the mode involved is text. Now there are other characteristics also that are shown with by the textual species. Actually i do believe that those characteristics might be the reason of people showing this "textual" syndrome. These category of people can without doubt be identified under the category of "introvert" people ( although their textual exploits prove otherwise). Either it is the lack of too many forums on which people can communicate through text making them textual or it may be the other way round, their love for text letting them hate every other form used by lesser mortals (like me) involving talks, debates, partying etc etc.......
So what is the case that i bring here today. Well the point that i have tried to bring home with my textual friend for quite some years now is this: There is no way that the mind and conscience would hinder in a person with the same level of honesty if the parties of the discussion are considered supremely trustworthy to each other. Th mind does play tricks in many cases. For example when one talks to a gathering; the fear of making a fool in front of so many people, the echo of own sound through the walls of the hall or the loud speakers cracking on your ears. Or in the case of a company of some one new , a girl that you would to impress... overload of self control mixed with fear of early rejection or embarrassments. Or lets say a person who you intentionally do not want to be honest too because you fear that if you are you would say rather bad things. In all these cases, yes the mind does play tricks on your verbal abilities and one does feel rather crippled with not only the words to say but with the thoughts.

But what if all of the above conditions are not there. You are not there in a big group , you are just with 1 other person. You do not feel the need to impress because you have known that person for years. You do no need to be dishonest because you really have accepted the person as he/she is and you know that there is nothing which you say honestly that can affect it adversely. Also given the fact the textual species in more enriched in the their knowledge of the vocabulary, the problem of "the right word is not coming to my mind ......" have lesser chances of occurrence.
So what is it that even under all the above given situations does that special species still prefer talking to the extent that they would shun other modes so as to get back into their own comfort zone of their blog dashboards or sms drafts or their diaries. Well at best i can only attempt some answers to this situation which can at best be labeled as "conspiracy theories" since i have never seen an answer from the textual kind in text.
I think that the answer lies in two layers. The first one lies with the person in question " the textual being" and the second one lies with the surrounding, the people with whom the first kind would not converse.
I feel that the first party here has much more than just a liking for text. They like a sense of security and sanctity around a personal space that they create around themselves. They want to be honest but they don't want to say it all ever and in front of any one. That is just to risky for them to do because its unchartered territory. The level of preprocessing involved when you speak something is rather less than when one writes... also the fact that writing allows you to edit... one has the feel that just because they wrote something in the flow of it ..doesn't mean that they can't take it back which is not the case with talking. hence talking is rather risky . Writing a diary or blog does not need to be an immediate answer while conversation does render you to put your opinion in rather quick fashion. So basically for a person with this shell of protection , every facet of the text is helping him reduce his feeling of vulnerability.
Now that i have mentioned this word vulnerability, it does make much sense to me that in front of a person that you know so much ... that person also is expected to know you a lot. hence for this generally introvert person ... the level of vulnerability is so much more in front of this 2nd person ... hence requiring the cover of "text".

Now coming to my second reason which centers around the 2nd party... the person that although has trust of the "textual being" but still doesn't get the opportunity to converse. Now since yours truly is a member of such category of people, I can guess as to what can be wrong with this situation. I think that the liking for talk and conversation Vs "text" is something which might frighten the "textual being". I also think that there exists an anti-"textual" species as well , something like the too vocal, extrovert, talkative and open kind. If by any chance the 2nd person falls into this category...... it does nothing more than further develop the need for text in the textual being.

I know i should not blog but still

2007-07-11T16:10:00.001-07:00

I am very much aware of the catch 22 that relates to the sense of writing a blog ( a theory created by some friend of mine). The theory states that the fact that a blog cant be a true reflection of what a person feels or what he is. Basically because he writes it knowing that other people are going to read it , so the projection of people's readings play on his mind consciously or unconsciously. and if that is not the case it can only be if he makes it certain that other people or society wouldn't get to know what he truly feels (only then the mind can be free enough) , but in that case why would he blog at all.
So then knowing it and also believing it why is it that i am starting one. Well there are 2 reasons and both of them are related actually.
The first is that i have found a loophole in the catch. I think that there are some people ( and only some) that you are really comfortable sharing a lot of things with. And one's mind can truly be honest and impulsive with those people. So in that case sharing such information with such a person would surely make sense. But then why use blog ,that person should be real close with you anyways .......
Well there is where the second reason comes in which is what happens if that person seems to be a little towards the "textual" kind. Believe me there is a category of people who you can call that ( more explanation on that some time later). So such a "textual" kind of person who is really very very special to me has come to this world of blogging and to me following the trend seems to be my way of saying ... now you can try to understand me more this way .

And i really do desire that i get more reasons as i go along exploring this new world