Its been 4 long years now. I guess it was 27th July 2003 when I came into this place. The greatest thought that crosses my mind while writing this is the huge change that I have seen in myself through this long era. I guess, the biggest part of me ( as i am today) comes from these last few years and thats what is so amazing. I am so different from that day.
Now through these 4 years things have happened to me in every way that could have been. I have had the greatest achievements of my life. I have been emotionally tormented. I have felt that i couldn't have more no. of friends. I have had more than my share of respect and more than my share of broken trust. I have had times when I have thought " I can't be more productive than this ever". And then times like now.. when the most active part of my day is when i move my fingers to throw the cards while playing cards ( standard " vriddhashram " game developed by the unfortunate "dullas").
All that thought of the past 4 years, makes me feel just one thing ... "Its been long... i want to leave". Its been so long and I expect nothing more. rather I don't think that things could get more better than this or that my experiences are going to be any better than what i have already have at my place. The summers have been more than a preview of what is to come this year. Well more than the lack of things to do, its the feeling of absolute restless with life.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Unconditional .... bah humbug
We must have heard the phrase " unconditional love" many times over being used in contexts like true love is always unconditional. Now the reason that I don't really believe in the statement that there aren't conditions attached to love, is primarily because of the excessive usage of this phrase "unconditional love" as an umbrella to hide against the true responsibilities that come with love. Yes for me love or any other relationship always carries a baggage with it. And greater is the pleasure or feeling of satisfaction, greater are the stakes.
Do parents love their children unconditionally? Lets say a kid who has gone bad with his own life. The guarantee letter that the love of his/her parents isn't going to be a touch hindered by his actions that are ruining his own life, is somehow an encouragement (passive but surely an encouragement) for him to sacrifice his life to his craziness.
For me the power of love lies in the fact that to achieve it one is ready to change himself ... to bring out the best person hidden inside him and to be happy to sacrifice. One explores how wonderful love can make life even with the baggage... because the pain doesn't even compare to the pleasure. That power of love hence is drwan from something every opposite to the concept of "unconditional love".
For me the thin line that can be drawn for what expectation or condition is fair and what is not is not lies in the selflessness of the condition. A father who expects his kid to throw his bad habits puts this condition primarily for selfless feeling for his child. A wife who expects her husband to be loyal to her expects this for the sanctity and strength of the relationship, something which should be of equal importance to both.
I really hope that this trend of hiding in the name of "unconditional love" doesn't get me one day because it is easy to be mean and lazy to change yourself but the essence and power of the true state would never ever be close to me.
Do parents love their children unconditionally? Lets say a kid who has gone bad with his own life. The guarantee letter that the love of his/her parents isn't going to be a touch hindered by his actions that are ruining his own life, is somehow an encouragement (passive but surely an encouragement) for him to sacrifice his life to his craziness.
For me the power of love lies in the fact that to achieve it one is ready to change himself ... to bring out the best person hidden inside him and to be happy to sacrifice. One explores how wonderful love can make life even with the baggage... because the pain doesn't even compare to the pleasure. That power of love hence is drwan from something every opposite to the concept of "unconditional love".
For me the thin line that can be drawn for what expectation or condition is fair and what is not is not lies in the selflessness of the condition. A father who expects his kid to throw his bad habits puts this condition primarily for selfless feeling for his child. A wife who expects her husband to be loyal to her expects this for the sanctity and strength of the relationship, something which should be of equal importance to both.
I really hope that this trend of hiding in the name of "unconditional love" doesn't get me one day because it is easy to be mean and lazy to change yourself but the essence and power of the true state would never ever be close to me.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
For all the movies that i have loved
Its time for me to remind myself of all the movies that i have loved. I would first in all truth and wisdom express my deepest gratitude to something divine: "DC++ and IITD LAN". They have been the single most important source of inspiration, guidance, console and to me GOD only comes 2nd to it.
Now this exercise of reminding myself of all the movies that i have loved watching comes from the need to know myself. I really hope that i could recognize something more than just taste.
Anyways lets begin ( not particularly in order of their ranking according to me)
1.) Forrest Gump - For its amazing life adventure filled with the essence that true love touches everyone
2.) Life is Beautiful - For the total innocence and love that exists and grows in adversity.
3.) Children of Heaven - never ever has such innocence of a true small low class family been depicted. Although based in IRAN the movie shows the universal nature of the deepest feelings that are present in a small family's life.
4.) 2 aankhen barah haath - Now this movie was by far the first movie that impressed me so much. A true "class apart" movie that is show rich in expressions. Will be a true inspiration in terms of trusting the human soul which can never be "inherently evil" as is considered by every modern social theory.
5.) Grave of the fireflies - Yes the movie is sad but a drunken night with friends in Bangalore can make you like this one too much. Tragedy and kids ( too sob.. sob for me).. but liked it surely a lot
6.) The Gods must be Crazy - "Masterpiece" Really really makes you wonder just what it claims .... the gods must be crazy .......
7.) Lord of the rings - Well i m only human. How can i not like this.... it would only be blasphemous ..... I really wonder how such an epic can ever be produced on screen with justice being done to the parent scripture( i prefer this word for the "book").
8.) Matrubhumi - God let my country not becoming this. Never ever seen more courageous concept being brought to an Indian cinema.
I am not really sure if I should end the list here but I fear losing the "class" of the list if I allow myself to add names here too soon.
As far as the earlier expressed aims for doing this exercise of reminding the movies that i have loved...well well dont know really if that is achieved or not :-) no problems anyways
Now this exercise of reminding myself of all the movies that i have loved watching comes from the need to know myself. I really hope that i could recognize something more than just taste.
Anyways lets begin ( not particularly in order of their ranking according to me)
1.) Forrest Gump - For its amazing life adventure filled with the essence that true love touches everyone
2.) Life is Beautiful - For the total innocence and love that exists and grows in adversity.
3.) Children of Heaven - never ever has such innocence of a true small low class family been depicted. Although based in IRAN the movie shows the universal nature of the deepest feelings that are present in a small family's life.
4.) 2 aankhen barah haath - Now this movie was by far the first movie that impressed me so much. A true "class apart" movie that is show rich in expressions. Will be a true inspiration in terms of trusting the human soul which can never be "inherently evil" as is considered by every modern social theory.
5.) Grave of the fireflies - Yes the movie is sad but a drunken night with friends in Bangalore can make you like this one too much. Tragedy and kids ( too sob.. sob for me).. but liked it surely a lot
6.) The Gods must be Crazy - "Masterpiece" Really really makes you wonder just what it claims .... the gods must be crazy .......
7.) Lord of the rings - Well i m only human. How can i not like this.... it would only be blasphemous ..... I really wonder how such an epic can ever be produced on screen with justice being done to the parent scripture( i prefer this word for the "book").
8.) Matrubhumi - God let my country not becoming this. Never ever seen more courageous concept being brought to an Indian cinema.
I am not really sure if I should end the list here but I fear losing the "class" of the list if I allow myself to add names here too soon.
As far as the earlier expressed aims for doing this exercise of reminding the movies that i have loved...well well dont know really if that is achieved or not :-) no problems anyways
Friday, July 13, 2007
Pain
I really really want the opinion of some people on this issue. I somehow want the reassurance that it's just not me only.
The condition that i am talking of is physical pain caused from......... lets say emotional reasons. And i really don mean the feeling to cry or vulnerability or anything like that ( off course they can be there too), I mean real physical pain. It somehow exists for a second or so with the jolt of blood from your heart. Can be compared to the adrenalin rush you feel when one gets a shock or some adventure... the similar kind of jolt but the feeling is quite different. You are feeling perfectly OK , psychically and somehow when you are too much into your own mind not even caring about the rest of your body ( so deeply in thought i mean), that suddenly this sad thought which you have over thought by now brings this sudden terrible pain.
Just help me out here people.... is it normal thing or do i need a doctor ;)
The condition that i am talking of is physical pain caused from......... lets say emotional reasons. And i really don mean the feeling to cry or vulnerability or anything like that ( off course they can be there too), I mean real physical pain. It somehow exists for a second or so with the jolt of blood from your heart. Can be compared to the adrenalin rush you feel when one gets a shock or some adventure... the similar kind of jolt but the feeling is quite different. You are feeling perfectly OK , psychically and somehow when you are too much into your own mind not even caring about the rest of your body ( so deeply in thought i mean), that suddenly this sad thought which you have over thought by now brings this sudden terrible pain.
Just help me out here people.... is it normal thing or do i need a doctor ;)
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Lets talk
people please don't read this. No use at all. I promise
Well this relates to the infinite no. of discussions that i had with my "textual type" friend. ( discussion according to me & debate according to my friend). I guess to understand the situation a little better you will have to know a little more about the "textual" species.
It is very natural that the ease with which people express themselves varies with people, surrounding and medium of communication. For some people words never seem to either come out right or come out at all when in front of a person. There exists a sub category among those people who think that they converse fluently and with much greater levels of honesty when they pen down things. The "textual" species also feels that such level of honesty and fluency can not even be found even if you have the most trustworthy company until and unless the mode involved is text. Now there are other characteristics also that are shown with by the textual species. Actually i do believe that those characteristics might be the reason of people showing this "textual" syndrome. These category of people can without doubt be identified under the category of "introvert" people ( although their textual exploits prove otherwise). Either it is the lack of too many forums on which people can communicate through text making them textual or it may be the other way round, their love for text letting them hate every other form used by lesser mortals (like me) involving talks, debates, partying etc etc.......
So what is the case that i bring here today. Well the point that i have tried to bring home with my textual friend for quite some years now is this: There is no way that the mind and conscience would hinder in a person with the same level of honesty if the parties of the discussion are considered supremely trustworthy to each other. Th mind does play tricks in many cases. For example when one talks to a gathering; the fear of making a fool in front of so many people, the echo of own sound through the walls of the hall or the loud speakers cracking on your ears. Or in the case of a company of some one new , a girl that you would to impress... overload of self control mixed with fear of early rejection or embarrassments. Or lets say a person who you intentionally do not want to be honest too because you fear that if you are you would say rather bad things. In all these cases, yes the mind does play tricks on your verbal abilities and one does feel rather crippled with not only the words to say but with the thoughts.
But what if all of the above conditions are not there. You are not there in a big group , you are just with 1 other person. You do not feel the need to impress because you have known that person for years. You do no need to be dishonest because you really have accepted the person as he/she is and you know that there is nothing which you say honestly that can affect it adversely. Also given the fact the textual species in more enriched in the their knowledge of the vocabulary, the problem of "the right word is not coming to my mind ......" have lesser chances of occurrence.
So what is it that even under all the above given situations does that special species still prefer talking to the extent that they would shun other modes so as to get back into their own comfort zone of their blog dashboards or sms drafts or their diaries. Well at best i can only attempt some answers to this situation which can at best be labeled as "conspiracy theories" since i have never seen an answer from the textual kind in text.
I think that the answer lies in two layers. The first one lies with the person in question " the textual being" and the second one lies with the surrounding, the people with whom the first kind would not converse.
I feel that the first party here has much more than just a liking for text. They like a sense of security and sanctity around a personal space that they create around themselves. They want to be honest but they don't want to say it all ever and in front of any one. That is just to risky for them to do because its unchartered territory. The level of preprocessing involved when you speak something is rather less than when one writes... also the fact that writing allows you to edit... one has the feel that just because they wrote something in the flow of it ..doesn't mean that they can't take it back which is not the case with talking. hence talking is rather risky . Writing a diary or blog does not need to be an immediate answer while conversation does render you to put your opinion in rather quick fashion. So basically for a person with this shell of protection , every facet of the text is helping him reduce his feeling of vulnerability.
Now that i have mentioned this word vulnerability, it does make much sense to me that in front of a person that you know so much ... that person also is expected to know you a lot. hence for this generally introvert person ... the level of vulnerability is so much more in front of this 2nd person ... hence requiring the cover of "text".
Now coming to my second reason which centers around the 2nd party... the person that although has trust of the "textual being" but still doesn't get the opportunity to converse. Now since yours truly is a member of such category of people, I can guess as to what can be wrong with this situation. I think that the liking for talk and conversation Vs "text" is something which might frighten the "textual being". I also think that there exists an anti-"textual" species as well , something like the too vocal, extrovert, talkative and open kind. If by any chance the 2nd person falls into this category...... it does nothing more than further develop the need for text in the textual being.
Well this relates to the infinite no. of discussions that i had with my "textual type" friend. ( discussion according to me & debate according to my friend). I guess to understand the situation a little better you will have to know a little more about the "textual" species.
It is very natural that the ease with which people express themselves varies with people, surrounding and medium of communication. For some people words never seem to either come out right or come out at all when in front of a person. There exists a sub category among those people who think that they converse fluently and with much greater levels of honesty when they pen down things. The "textual" species also feels that such level of honesty and fluency can not even be found even if you have the most trustworthy company until and unless the mode involved is text. Now there are other characteristics also that are shown with by the textual species. Actually i do believe that those characteristics might be the reason of people showing this "textual" syndrome. These category of people can without doubt be identified under the category of "introvert" people ( although their textual exploits prove otherwise). Either it is the lack of too many forums on which people can communicate through text making them textual or it may be the other way round, their love for text letting them hate every other form used by lesser mortals (like me) involving talks, debates, partying etc etc.......
So what is the case that i bring here today. Well the point that i have tried to bring home with my textual friend for quite some years now is this: There is no way that the mind and conscience would hinder in a person with the same level of honesty if the parties of the discussion are considered supremely trustworthy to each other. Th mind does play tricks in many cases. For example when one talks to a gathering; the fear of making a fool in front of so many people, the echo of own sound through the walls of the hall or the loud speakers cracking on your ears. Or in the case of a company of some one new , a girl that you would to impress... overload of self control mixed with fear of early rejection or embarrassments. Or lets say a person who you intentionally do not want to be honest too because you fear that if you are you would say rather bad things. In all these cases, yes the mind does play tricks on your verbal abilities and one does feel rather crippled with not only the words to say but with the thoughts.
But what if all of the above conditions are not there. You are not there in a big group , you are just with 1 other person. You do not feel the need to impress because you have known that person for years. You do no need to be dishonest because you really have accepted the person as he/she is and you know that there is nothing which you say honestly that can affect it adversely. Also given the fact the textual species in more enriched in the their knowledge of the vocabulary, the problem of "the right word is not coming to my mind ......" have lesser chances of occurrence.
So what is it that even under all the above given situations does that special species still prefer talking to the extent that they would shun other modes so as to get back into their own comfort zone of their blog dashboards or sms drafts or their diaries. Well at best i can only attempt some answers to this situation which can at best be labeled as "conspiracy theories" since i have never seen an answer from the textual kind in text.
I think that the answer lies in two layers. The first one lies with the person in question " the textual being" and the second one lies with the surrounding, the people with whom the first kind would not converse.
I feel that the first party here has much more than just a liking for text. They like a sense of security and sanctity around a personal space that they create around themselves. They want to be honest but they don't want to say it all ever and in front of any one. That is just to risky for them to do because its unchartered territory. The level of preprocessing involved when you speak something is rather less than when one writes... also the fact that writing allows you to edit... one has the feel that just because they wrote something in the flow of it ..doesn't mean that they can't take it back which is not the case with talking. hence talking is rather risky . Writing a diary or blog does not need to be an immediate answer while conversation does render you to put your opinion in rather quick fashion. So basically for a person with this shell of protection , every facet of the text is helping him reduce his feeling of vulnerability.
Now that i have mentioned this word vulnerability, it does make much sense to me that in front of a person that you know so much ... that person also is expected to know you a lot. hence for this generally introvert person ... the level of vulnerability is so much more in front of this 2nd person ... hence requiring the cover of "text".
Now coming to my second reason which centers around the 2nd party... the person that although has trust of the "textual being" but still doesn't get the opportunity to converse. Now since yours truly is a member of such category of people, I can guess as to what can be wrong with this situation. I think that the liking for talk and conversation Vs "text" is something which might frighten the "textual being". I also think that there exists an anti-"textual" species as well , something like the too vocal, extrovert, talkative and open kind. If by any chance the 2nd person falls into this category...... it does nothing more than further develop the need for text in the textual being.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I know i should not blog but still
I am very much aware of the catch 22 that relates to the sense of writing a blog ( a theory created by some friend of mine). The theory states that the fact that a blog cant be a true reflection of what a person feels or what he is. Basically because he writes it knowing that other people are going to read it , so the projection of people's readings play on his mind consciously or unconsciously. and if that is not the case it can only be if he makes it certain that other people or society wouldn't get to know what he truly feels (only then the mind can be free enough) , but in that case why would he blog at all.
So then knowing it and also believing it why is it that i am starting one. Well there are 2 reasons and both of them are related actually.
The first is that i have found a loophole in the catch. I think that there are some people ( and only some) that you are really comfortable sharing a lot of things with. And one's mind can truly be honest and impulsive with those people. So in that case sharing such information with such a person would surely make sense. But then why use blog ,that person should be real close with you anyways .......
Well there is where the second reason comes in which is what happens if that person seems to be a little towards the "textual" kind. Believe me there is a category of people who you can call that ( more explanation on that some time later). So such a "textual" kind of person who is really very very special to me has come to this world of blogging and to me following the trend seems to be my way of saying ... now you can try to understand me more this way .
And i really do desire that i get more reasons as i go along exploring this new world
So then knowing it and also believing it why is it that i am starting one. Well there are 2 reasons and both of them are related actually.
The first is that i have found a loophole in the catch. I think that there are some people ( and only some) that you are really comfortable sharing a lot of things with. And one's mind can truly be honest and impulsive with those people. So in that case sharing such information with such a person would surely make sense. But then why use blog ,that person should be real close with you anyways .......
Well there is where the second reason comes in which is what happens if that person seems to be a little towards the "textual" kind. Believe me there is a category of people who you can call that ( more explanation on that some time later). So such a "textual" kind of person who is really very very special to me has come to this world of blogging and to me following the trend seems to be my way of saying ... now you can try to understand me more this way .
And i really do desire that i get more reasons as i go along exploring this new world
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