Life finds terrible ways at getting back to you. For every thing that you have had, that you have enjoyed, that you have wanted, it gives you an even bigger disease. Its nothing else but the surrender to those very things, the desperation of being without it. The more you want something, the more you enjoy something , the pleasure always is exceeded by the pain of losing it. And even if you don't lose it, the mere dependence, the addiction, the urge enslaves to a much greater extent than you had ever imagined. There is no way that great pleasure can be had without this fear, this enslavement and this vulnerability.
Everybody has different way to tackle to this paradox of enjoying something and living with the guilt of being slaves. Some use the classic method: defense mechanism..... " I can leave it anytime"..but you very well know that if you are OK with losing it, you never really wanted it in the first place. Pleasure lies in the indispensable attribute of the object... you know you cant live without it.
Others attach their enslavement to physical objects or things they think they would not lose possession of. Rather sad but true that physical objects, hallucinations and dreams seem to be a safer option to attach your most deepest emotions than humans. They cant sense your pathetic condition. They don't play mind games, nor do they exploit. They are predictable, you know when you can have them and when you can not. Although safety does come with a cost. Objects don't respond.
But the most amazing aspect of the situation is why this GUILT ? Its not a new revelation. Your sacrifices, your addiction, your need and your possession, you knew this all the way. You still are nowhere close to even thinking about quitting nor will you ever because it's the best thing that happened to you. You convince yourself that everything comes at a price. But why this guilt which is directed to "self". This is the same "self" that wants you to be selfish. For some this self constitutes of self ego, self respect, feeling of supremacy of self over everything else. Their seems to be this battle between the self and your need for vulnerability. The self wants you to be answerable to no object, nothing commanding you.
Its been ages it seems that my "self" has lost the battle and surrendered.
But the guilt remains........... if only my surrender was acknowledged
2 comments:
the "guilt" as u call it remains due to the lack of the "unconditional" clause in one's pursuits..a clause u cn very well debate against along the lines of the other blog of urs..
but ya this being a comment and not a debate, i get to have a free say.. :)
well on a serious note , i believe when u learn to truly , deeply and ya unconditionaly respect the object that means so much to you , you wont evn feel the pangs of guilt clawing at ur conscience..
do think abt it......
@cosmic citizen
My right to "free say" madam!
How can one respect (leave aside truly and deeply) objects that they think have enslaved them although they are pleasurable.
I think you are interpreting the meanings of my words in some other context.
Thanks for commenting though
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